I Had to Turn Around

Now I'm doing it right from the start. I'm placing cracks in the foundations of relationships before they even begin, so they can fall down around my ears with a little less work later. I feel like such a failure. Why can't I create my relationships the way I want them? And now I am planting seeds of doubt in the minds of others. I've become the disease I loathe so much. When did that happen, and why?

I could have minded my own business and kept my mouth shut. I could have kept my distance. But instead i turned around and we were face to face. I couldn't just be happy with the connection I had to look him in the eyes. And I continued without a word of caution.

I could have moved on and gotten over it. But it took hold in me and I let it stay there, and I turned around again. More roots and less soil but I wasn't thinking about what lay beneath. It was just the moment and I was just in the moment and I didn't want to be anywhere else for once in my life. And I stayed right there. And when I turned back around, he didn't go anywhere.

I could have mentioned it before. I could have pulled those roots before they were there. Planted them somewhere else. Somewhere safer. Somewhere that wouldn't cause such a problem. But I am my own problem. 

I keep turing around, looking at him, and looking at him. And they stand there, and I feel like I am falling away, because I planted those roots in such little soil that the wind just picked me up. And I am so far gone, while they are free. Free, except for that stupid seed I planted, to ruin them like myself. 

Now I spread the distrust. I am my own destruction. My own worst enemy. They are too good for this. This is not what they deserve. I didn't know how things would go. I didn't intend to become a liar and a deceiver. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I keep breaking what I say matters most to me and I don't know why or how to stop it.