I will have been single for four weeks as of tomorrow, and it doesn't feel like it at all. I have been heartbroken, sure, painfully so, extremely so, but I think I will feel the same way for a while being at Playwrights without Colleen. I am starting to think feeling single is equivalent to feeling like one is without love. For while I am not in a relationship as society would define it, I am full of love, for many people, and I have no interest in being in finding a new relationship. This is a curious new experience for me. The last four weeks have been some of the most educational of my life. I feel like it's been a speed-through of years. This is definitely one of those times when it feels like this just happened yesterday and years ago, and maybe I've been reliving the same day for the last four weeks.
Joel and I are having a face to face talk soon for the first time since the day after we broke up. I hope that it goes well and that we manage to resolve whatever is making this situation feel unresolved. I hope we can become good friends again. Whether or not I am in love with him anymore, I love him so much and I cannot simply push him out of my life. This is too important for that.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Resolute
I continue to wake up hideously early for no reason other than that my mind is very nervous about something being wrong and needing to fix it. Yet when I wake up, I remember what that is and that there is currently nothing to be done. Still I cannot go back to sleep. I woke up yesterday at 6:30 in the morning on an incredibly rare day when I had nowhere I needed to be until 1:00 in the afternoon. This morning I woke up around 7 even though I went to bed at 2. I wish that this could at least stop affecting my sleep patterns so I could get a decent amount of rest and not be so constantly tired during the day. I would like to be able to move on, just because I have so little hope for getting back what I want more than anything in the world. This is the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. It pains me every time I see him.
Part of what I think keeps me from moving on is not wanting to have to start over and build a new history with a new person. To tell someone else all my stories and problems and hopes and desires. Yet I hate being alone; I have never felt this lonely; and I know Joel wants nothing to do with me. I wish I could figure out how to be friends with him, but emotionally right now I can't take that. Or at least a few weeks ago I tried, and failed. I wish he could solve this problem for me.
I also would like to stop complaining about it all. I had a lovely day yesterday, in spite of my early waking. I finally put away the laundry I did a week ago, I walked to the dog run at Madison Square Park and did some homework while I watched the dogs play. I saw some very enjoyable Playwrights shows. I went to MoMA with a friend and saw two incredibly inspiring exhibits: Marina Abromovic's "The Artist is Present" and the packed-to-the-gills Tim Burton exhibit, which included a scale model of Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands, the knives from Sweeney, an angora sweater from Ed Wood, and a note to Johnny from Tim about a line addition in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I then wandered around midtown a bit, went and saw some more Playwrights shows, struck a show in an hour, and spent several hours at Jason's celebrating his birthday with a bunch of Playwrights friends.
Today is a rainy, gray, day, but I'm going to church! And I'm teaching Sunday school (read: getting paid to play with four-year-olds for an hour, double win) with Brianna, and then she and I are going to yoga and then out to lunch or frozen yogurt. Later I have rehearsal and a class thing and a meeting, but it will still be another beautiful day. I will squash this sadness with happiness and love, dammit.
Part of what I think keeps me from moving on is not wanting to have to start over and build a new history with a new person. To tell someone else all my stories and problems and hopes and desires. Yet I hate being alone; I have never felt this lonely; and I know Joel wants nothing to do with me. I wish I could figure out how to be friends with him, but emotionally right now I can't take that. Or at least a few weeks ago I tried, and failed. I wish he could solve this problem for me.
I also would like to stop complaining about it all. I had a lovely day yesterday, in spite of my early waking. I finally put away the laundry I did a week ago, I walked to the dog run at Madison Square Park and did some homework while I watched the dogs play. I saw some very enjoyable Playwrights shows. I went to MoMA with a friend and saw two incredibly inspiring exhibits: Marina Abromovic's "The Artist is Present" and the packed-to-the-gills Tim Burton exhibit, which included a scale model of Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands, the knives from Sweeney, an angora sweater from Ed Wood, and a note to Johnny from Tim about a line addition in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I then wandered around midtown a bit, went and saw some more Playwrights shows, struck a show in an hour, and spent several hours at Jason's celebrating his birthday with a bunch of Playwrights friends.
Today is a rainy, gray, day, but I'm going to church! And I'm teaching Sunday school (read: getting paid to play with four-year-olds for an hour, double win) with Brianna, and then she and I are going to yoga and then out to lunch or frozen yogurt. Later I have rehearsal and a class thing and a meeting, but it will still be another beautiful day. I will squash this sadness with happiness and love, dammit.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Video Will
We did this thing in acting class this week where we had to create a monologue-eqsue piece in which we operated under the idea that we would be dying soon and were therefore stating our last will. I guess a few people actually bequeathed stuff, but mostly we all just sat in front of our class of a dozen people and spoke to the most important people in our lives as if they were there, and tried to tell them anything we felt we still needed to say. When I got up to perform my piece, I had in my hand the two pages of single-spaced text I had written to the most important people in my life. But I sat down and said, "I wrote this all out because I'm a really emotional person but then I like to intellectualize my emotions. And now I don't really want to say what I wrote." So I used what I had written from my memory, but didn't look at the paper at all. This is what I wrote, but only sort of what I said:
I’m not sure where to start. People are so much more important to me than things; I don’t feel like I have much I can leave behind except memories and joy and love. But maybe that’s plenty. Those of you who know me well probably know how exhausted I have become. I don’t regret this at all. I’m exhausted because I care, and because I’ve been so emotionally invested in everything I’m doing. I think I once put on facebook that anyone who’s willing to continue being a Playwrights student must enjoy being in an abusive relationship with theatre school. Well, I’ve enjoyed this abusive relationship, but that combined with what little life I have outside this building has taken everything I have to offer. I don’t want to die, but my time has been well lived and will soon be coming to a close. I can feel it.
I’m only twenty years old. The material possessions I’ve accumulated don’t matter much to anyone, including me. All I can really leave you with are words and a few sentimental objects that may or may not matter much outside my own hands. So where to actually start.
Sam. You’re the only little brother I’ve got. My only sibling, and it’s just us – no cousins to grow up with. I love you more than I think either of us have ever talked about or acknowledged. I’m glad we’ve never really fought, even though we’re such different people. I’m older; I’m supposed to do things first. So I’ve come to college before you, and my advice to you is do what you want. Figure out what you want, and then do it. Mom hated that I went to NYU. I think she still does, a little, even if she won’t admit it, but it’s my life and this is what I had to do to be happy. You’ve got to be in charge of your happiness. I love you.
Mom and dad, I literally wouldn’t be anywhere without you both. You are what shaped the first 18 years of my life, and gave me the freedom to explore beyond your arms. I’m not sure there are any words to say anything that could matter at this point, and the only wisdom I can impart is to remember to wear long pants at the Vatican and don’t drop cell phones in the toilet in Japan. And do what you love, as you always tried to let me do. Take loving care of my baby blankets; I think I treasured them as much as you treasured me. Thank you. I love you.
Mattie, it was with you that I felt I first failed at love. But I learned so much from you and our relationship, and that has helped me to grow enormously as a person. You have remained one of my closest friends throughout all our troubles, and for that I am eternally grateful. All I can leave you with is our memories of youth conferences, bringing the country boy to the city and the city girl to the country, and our weekly Monday night calls. For you always are many many poems, and I also leave you my DYSC hoodie, in hoping it will keep you connected when you feel alone, and warm when you are cold. I love you.
Scott and Michael, I have always believed in having friends who are older than myself, and most of my friends have been outside my own age group. I have been so lucky to have the wisdom and support of each of you in my life. I am incredibly grateful for the rare bits of time we get to spend together. I wish you both the greatest successes in life. Keep following your dreams. You know me better than most people. I love you both so much.
Meredith, Carrie, Victoria, Sean, Nat, and Nic. You guys are all different from any of my other friends, and the closest thing I ever had to a clique in high school (or shortly after). I’ve had more fun times with you guys in 48 hour weekends than in months of time without you. I know as you all go on your journeys you will succeed in changing the world. I couldn’t be prouder to be your friend. I leave you all with memories of visiting me in New York, and for Carrie, Meredith and Victoria, each a chalice that you once gave me. How would I have made it through high school without you guys? I love you.
Jack, you will probably never see this video, since you cut yourself out of my life almost three years ago now. But I hope somehow this message will reach you. I have always loved you; you were one of the best friends I ever had and despite all the issues that followed your exit from my life, I am so grateful for all that you taught me and all the fun times we had. I’m finally giving you back all the stuff you left at my house – there’s some books, and I think a couple DVDs. I hope you find what you’re looking for in life. I love you.
To all of my friends and teachers at Playwrights, there are, I think, no words for how you all have influenced the last two years of my life. You have all opened me up to a new world, a new way of living and making art, and you challenge me every day to push myself farther and learn as much as I can, and to create innovative art that I really care about. These last two years have been the most difficult and wonderful of my short life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Blue group, you have seen me at my most vulnerable, my most tired, my most drunken, and also at my happiest and my best. To all of you that I have met and known and loved here, thank you so much for all you have given me and taught me and for making the last two years so incredible. I truly love you all.
Joel, what I would say to you at this point changes on an hourly basis. I have shared more with you than anyone else in my life, ever. I have nothing more to offer you beyond everything I already have. I gave you my love, body and soul, and loved you more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. I hope one day you understand that. It is life’s greatest gift.
Colleen, we could never have had enough time. You are the best friend I have ever had. You give me strength when I have none, hope when I have little, and more love than anyone I know. I don’t know how I would have survived this year without you. As I have told you many times before, I’m the luckiest person in the world to have you for a best friend. I know you’ll do amazing things in the world. I can’t wait. I love you more than words can express.
That’s all.
I’m not sure where to start. People are so much more important to me than things; I don’t feel like I have much I can leave behind except memories and joy and love. But maybe that’s plenty. Those of you who know me well probably know how exhausted I have become. I don’t regret this at all. I’m exhausted because I care, and because I’ve been so emotionally invested in everything I’m doing. I think I once put on facebook that anyone who’s willing to continue being a Playwrights student must enjoy being in an abusive relationship with theatre school. Well, I’ve enjoyed this abusive relationship, but that combined with what little life I have outside this building has taken everything I have to offer. I don’t want to die, but my time has been well lived and will soon be coming to a close. I can feel it.
I’m only twenty years old. The material possessions I’ve accumulated don’t matter much to anyone, including me. All I can really leave you with are words and a few sentimental objects that may or may not matter much outside my own hands. So where to actually start.
Sam. You’re the only little brother I’ve got. My only sibling, and it’s just us – no cousins to grow up with. I love you more than I think either of us have ever talked about or acknowledged. I’m glad we’ve never really fought, even though we’re such different people. I’m older; I’m supposed to do things first. So I’ve come to college before you, and my advice to you is do what you want. Figure out what you want, and then do it. Mom hated that I went to NYU. I think she still does, a little, even if she won’t admit it, but it’s my life and this is what I had to do to be happy. You’ve got to be in charge of your happiness. I love you.
Mom and dad, I literally wouldn’t be anywhere without you both. You are what shaped the first 18 years of my life, and gave me the freedom to explore beyond your arms. I’m not sure there are any words to say anything that could matter at this point, and the only wisdom I can impart is to remember to wear long pants at the Vatican and don’t drop cell phones in the toilet in Japan. And do what you love, as you always tried to let me do. Take loving care of my baby blankets; I think I treasured them as much as you treasured me. Thank you. I love you.
Mattie, it was with you that I felt I first failed at love. But I learned so much from you and our relationship, and that has helped me to grow enormously as a person. You have remained one of my closest friends throughout all our troubles, and for that I am eternally grateful. All I can leave you with is our memories of youth conferences, bringing the country boy to the city and the city girl to the country, and our weekly Monday night calls. For you always are many many poems, and I also leave you my DYSC hoodie, in hoping it will keep you connected when you feel alone, and warm when you are cold. I love you.
Scott and Michael, I have always believed in having friends who are older than myself, and most of my friends have been outside my own age group. I have been so lucky to have the wisdom and support of each of you in my life. I am incredibly grateful for the rare bits of time we get to spend together. I wish you both the greatest successes in life. Keep following your dreams. You know me better than most people. I love you both so much.
Meredith, Carrie, Victoria, Sean, Nat, and Nic. You guys are all different from any of my other friends, and the closest thing I ever had to a clique in high school (or shortly after). I’ve had more fun times with you guys in 48 hour weekends than in months of time without you. I know as you all go on your journeys you will succeed in changing the world. I couldn’t be prouder to be your friend. I leave you all with memories of visiting me in New York, and for Carrie, Meredith and Victoria, each a chalice that you once gave me. How would I have made it through high school without you guys? I love you.
Jack, you will probably never see this video, since you cut yourself out of my life almost three years ago now. But I hope somehow this message will reach you. I have always loved you; you were one of the best friends I ever had and despite all the issues that followed your exit from my life, I am so grateful for all that you taught me and all the fun times we had. I’m finally giving you back all the stuff you left at my house – there’s some books, and I think a couple DVDs. I hope you find what you’re looking for in life. I love you.
To all of my friends and teachers at Playwrights, there are, I think, no words for how you all have influenced the last two years of my life. You have all opened me up to a new world, a new way of living and making art, and you challenge me every day to push myself farther and learn as much as I can, and to create innovative art that I really care about. These last two years have been the most difficult and wonderful of my short life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Blue group, you have seen me at my most vulnerable, my most tired, my most drunken, and also at my happiest and my best. To all of you that I have met and known and loved here, thank you so much for all you have given me and taught me and for making the last two years so incredible. I truly love you all.
Joel, what I would say to you at this point changes on an hourly basis. I have shared more with you than anyone else in my life, ever. I have nothing more to offer you beyond everything I already have. I gave you my love, body and soul, and loved you more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. I hope one day you understand that. It is life’s greatest gift.
Colleen, we could never have had enough time. You are the best friend I have ever had. You give me strength when I have none, hope when I have little, and more love than anyone I know. I don’t know how I would have survived this year without you. As I have told you many times before, I’m the luckiest person in the world to have you for a best friend. I know you’ll do amazing things in the world. I can’t wait. I love you more than words can express.
That’s all.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Love is My Gift
Two simultaneously true thoughts, one from Monday and one from today:
As I was walking home last night in the middle of the night, I was trying to articulate how I was feeling. I was composing a poem in my head, and I couldn't find words for how I felt emotionally and internally. I no longer have language for how awful and conflicted and complicated I feel. I don't think I've ever felt this bad this consistently for this long. I've been so emotionally invested in the last two weeks that I am just exhausted. I feel like I'm going to run out of emotion. I haven't slept through the night in two weeks. I'm so tired, exhausted, emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm going to burn out so soon and die awfully young, but there is so much I want to do.
I am the person who decides my life. I don't have to count on you. I can love you without liking you; I will always love you but I have no more interest in being your partner. And now, without you, I get to give this love that I have to many people. It will not be random; it will not be meaningless. It will be plentiful and it will matter. And I will continue to love with my whole heart, and sometimes people will love me too. You can't take my love away from me. That is my gift.
Based on those two thoughts and the last two days, I have confirmed in my mind that it is much easier to be angry than to be sad, and also much easier to get over being angry than being sad. I'm now incredibly confused about how I feel, but I am not constantly clouded by sadness, I think. So let life roll on.
As I was walking home last night in the middle of the night, I was trying to articulate how I was feeling. I was composing a poem in my head, and I couldn't find words for how I felt emotionally and internally. I no longer have language for how awful and conflicted and complicated I feel. I don't think I've ever felt this bad this consistently for this long. I've been so emotionally invested in the last two weeks that I am just exhausted. I feel like I'm going to run out of emotion. I haven't slept through the night in two weeks. I'm so tired, exhausted, emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm going to burn out so soon and die awfully young, but there is so much I want to do.
I am the person who decides my life. I don't have to count on you. I can love you without liking you; I will always love you but I have no more interest in being your partner. And now, without you, I get to give this love that I have to many people. It will not be random; it will not be meaningless. It will be plentiful and it will matter. And I will continue to love with my whole heart, and sometimes people will love me too. You can't take my love away from me. That is my gift.
Based on those two thoughts and the last two days, I have confirmed in my mind that it is much easier to be angry than to be sad, and also much easier to get over being angry than being sad. I'm now incredibly confused about how I feel, but I am not constantly clouded by sadness, I think. So let life roll on.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 14
Day 14:
Yep. Still love him. As much if not more than ever.
Yep. Still sad. As much if not more than ever.
Yep. Still love him. As much if not more than ever.
Yep. Still sad. As much if not more than ever.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I Can Hear Him
Almost made it through the day without crying. Failed about half an hour ago. I may be, for the most part, managing my emotions better, but I'm not any less sad than I was twelve days ago. I fall asleep sad and wake up sad before I can even remember what I'm sad about. Even when I'm laughing I'm still conscious that I'm sad. And I'm trying to still love the suffering, but I'm tired of being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I keep having hope that things will change, and the longer they don't, the sadder I get. I get knots in my stomach all the time. I feel sick, and not because of my cold. Nauseous sick. And I don't know what to do about it. I keep thinking that maybe I can move on, but anytime I actually think about it, I realize I don't want to. I just don't want to love somebody else. I still miss him so much. And things are starting to come up that I thought we'd be doing together, and we're not. And it's weird, and it sucks. I was so excited that we were going to see a taping of the Daily Show together, because he loves Jon Stewart more than most things in life, but now I'll be going without him, and no matter how much fun I have, I'll be painfully aware that he was supposed to be there.
He was supposed to be there.
He was supposed to be there.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Love, Again
I love him enough to let him go, and have faith that the right things will happen. It still hurts, but I am also joyful that I have enough love to want him to be happy and get what he wants out of life. I hope he discovers that what he wants involves me. But I do not want to hang onto him and make him unhappy. I can take on suffering. I am glad I love. I hurt, I am sad, but I love, and that's what's most important. I'm incredibly lonely but I will keep loving. He is one of my best friends. I can't give that up.
What I have is love, so I must bring that forth.
Love is the most powerful, most important thing in the world. I choose to love. To continue to love. To try to find the joy in my ability to love and the existence of love, even as I am suffering such depression, loneliness, heartbreak.
This week has been a fierce emotional roller coaster. I don't think that will change anytime soon. This is the last thing I think about as I'm falling asleep and the first thought that pops into my head when I wake up, and sometimes even plagues my dreams, in addition to my waking hours. Everything in my life is about this. Never has my life all revolved so much around one thing, this theme of love and its power. Even today in voice and speech, as we were working through our chakras, I got in touch with everything within me and it all spilled out into tears and heaving breath as I tried to work through my monologue (which is, of course, about love).
Great forces are at work.
What I have is love, so I must bring that forth.
Love is the most powerful, most important thing in the world. I choose to love. To continue to love. To try to find the joy in my ability to love and the existence of love, even as I am suffering such depression, loneliness, heartbreak.
This week has been a fierce emotional roller coaster. I don't think that will change anytime soon. This is the last thing I think about as I'm falling asleep and the first thought that pops into my head when I wake up, and sometimes even plagues my dreams, in addition to my waking hours. Everything in my life is about this. Never has my life all revolved so much around one thing, this theme of love and its power. Even today in voice and speech, as we were working through our chakras, I got in touch with everything within me and it all spilled out into tears and heaving breath as I tried to work through my monologue (which is, of course, about love).
Great forces are at work.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Whyyy
I AM SOOO AAANGRY. Michael is annoyingly right sometimes. My God I'm so mad. Just furious. About a lot of things. And this is starting to feel like a repeat of three years ago but worse.
At least say something. SAY SOMETHING.
Fuck you. You're such a baby.
Grow up. I miss you.
At least say something. SAY SOMETHING.
Fuck you. You're such a baby.
Grow up. I miss you.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Bring Forth
I miss him, a lot. We haven't spoken, or actually communicated at all today except for two text messages. And I only saw him for like two seconds as I walked by to go to class. It's annoyingly painful that one of the worst things is when you can feel just how far apart you are the closer you get to each other. I walked by like I wasn't even there. But I'm trying to give him his space, let him forget about me, if that's what he wants/has to do. Mostly I hope that he'll miss me.
Today I threw myself into work, into my classes, into anything I could think of to focus on and keep busy. It's the free time, the moments alone when I fall victim to floods of sorrow. If I have a project to focus on, I've made it to the point where I can do that at least. But all these moments where I don't have anything to do, like right now while I'm waiting for the house to open for some Playwrights shows, I don't know what to do with myself and all I can think about is wanting to talk to him, wishing he was seeing the shows with me.
I don't know what he's doing tonight. It's bizarre. Like I actually have no idea what he's doing, since he's not hanging out with me, or people I know, or at rehearsal, or seeing a show. Life is so strange right now. And it is very hard not to tell him I miss him and get him to talk to me.
According to the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus said, "If you bring forth that which is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." Go art, go. Take all of this, all of me, and plunge into my art.
Today I threw myself into work, into my classes, into anything I could think of to focus on and keep busy. It's the free time, the moments alone when I fall victim to floods of sorrow. If I have a project to focus on, I've made it to the point where I can do that at least. But all these moments where I don't have anything to do, like right now while I'm waiting for the house to open for some Playwrights shows, I don't know what to do with myself and all I can think about is wanting to talk to him, wishing he was seeing the shows with me.
I don't know what he's doing tonight. It's bizarre. Like I actually have no idea what he's doing, since he's not hanging out with me, or people I know, or at rehearsal, or seeing a show. Life is so strange right now. And it is very hard not to tell him I miss him and get him to talk to me.
According to the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus said, "If you bring forth that which is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you." Go art, go. Take all of this, all of me, and plunge into my art.
Crave
"and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck..."
"and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry..."
"and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not...and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten you'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do..."
"though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."
Excerpts from (or rather most of) a monologue from Sarah Kane's Crave, which basically echoes everything I've been saying for the last three days. I hadn't read the play since spring break and then I was looking at it again yesterday as we were talking about it in Re-Inventions of Love, and it was like the play was repeating my life right back at me, but of course I couldn't have realized then...
I am realizing I am strong enough. I am still devastated every moment, and that's not going to change, but it doesn't have to. I told someone that I hoped this would make some great art because it's making some shitty life, and the wise man told me Sarah Bernhardt said the same thing.
Ruben and I talked about how beyond anything romantic and adjusting to the (I think/hope temporary) loss of that, what's just as hard is having to break habits of how life worked before the break. I want to tell Joel what I'm doing in my class. I want him to tell me what he's doing. I want to invite him to see shows with me. I want to go for a walk in the spring New York air. But every time I think of filing away something to tell him or ask him, I remember that that's not what our relationship is right now. And that's actually just as difficult as sleeping alone, not holding hands, or hugging or speaking the words I love you or looking into his eyes without seeing so much pain reflecting from mine.
Last night was, I think, the first Thursday night I spent in my room since sometime before the semester started. I always stayed over, we got Dunkin Donuts in the morning and then walked to Playwrights together to work our front desk shifts. We got dinner together after studio on Fridays. And I'm watching the days start to go by without those things and life feels totally foreign to me.
I still believe all the same things I've been believing about love. I just have to believe them from the other side of this situation, and so I have to push even harder and with even more fervor. I will not be ashamed for loving Joel even if he doesn't love me. There is no need to hide my love, for it is honest and true and pure and the most beautiful thing in the world.
Hopefully he will see that. Hopefully he will figure out what he wants soon.
I'm not waiting, but I'm not going anywhere.
A dear friend questions why people think suffering is bad. We must love the happiness and the suffering. So now is a time for suffering. The fact that I love perhaps more now than I did before is the strongest testament I have experienced to the sheer power of love, and that thought is the only comfort I have right now. It makes me all the happier to love in suffering, and hope that that suffering will soon turn to joy. I will keep breaking down in the hallway at Playwrights, leaving class to cry in the bathroom, crying myself to sleep at night and waking up every couple hours to make sure my heart is still beating. I believe my life is becoming the living of poetry.
I am hurting like never before, but I am learning, and most importantly I am still loving.
"and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry..."
"and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not...and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten you'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do..."
"though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."
Excerpts from (or rather most of) a monologue from Sarah Kane's Crave, which basically echoes everything I've been saying for the last three days. I hadn't read the play since spring break and then I was looking at it again yesterday as we were talking about it in Re-Inventions of Love, and it was like the play was repeating my life right back at me, but of course I couldn't have realized then...
I am realizing I am strong enough. I am still devastated every moment, and that's not going to change, but it doesn't have to. I told someone that I hoped this would make some great art because it's making some shitty life, and the wise man told me Sarah Bernhardt said the same thing.
Ruben and I talked about how beyond anything romantic and adjusting to the (I think/hope temporary) loss of that, what's just as hard is having to break habits of how life worked before the break. I want to tell Joel what I'm doing in my class. I want him to tell me what he's doing. I want to invite him to see shows with me. I want to go for a walk in the spring New York air. But every time I think of filing away something to tell him or ask him, I remember that that's not what our relationship is right now. And that's actually just as difficult as sleeping alone, not holding hands, or hugging or speaking the words I love you or looking into his eyes without seeing so much pain reflecting from mine.
Last night was, I think, the first Thursday night I spent in my room since sometime before the semester started. I always stayed over, we got Dunkin Donuts in the morning and then walked to Playwrights together to work our front desk shifts. We got dinner together after studio on Fridays. And I'm watching the days start to go by without those things and life feels totally foreign to me.
I still believe all the same things I've been believing about love. I just have to believe them from the other side of this situation, and so I have to push even harder and with even more fervor. I will not be ashamed for loving Joel even if he doesn't love me. There is no need to hide my love, for it is honest and true and pure and the most beautiful thing in the world.
Hopefully he will see that. Hopefully he will figure out what he wants soon.
I'm not waiting, but I'm not going anywhere.
A dear friend questions why people think suffering is bad. We must love the happiness and the suffering. So now is a time for suffering. The fact that I love perhaps more now than I did before is the strongest testament I have experienced to the sheer power of love, and that thought is the only comfort I have right now. It makes me all the happier to love in suffering, and hope that that suffering will soon turn to joy. I will keep breaking down in the hallway at Playwrights, leaving class to cry in the bathroom, crying myself to sleep at night and waking up every couple hours to make sure my heart is still beating. I believe my life is becoming the living of poetry.
I am hurting like never before, but I am learning, and most importantly I am still loving.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
There Must Be More Love
My hands have never felt so empty. I know I have more love to give but I've got to get up the courage to put it in my hands, now that they don't hold another hand.
Isn't March in like a lion, out like a lamb? Well I think the lion ate the lamb. Cause it roared right into April.
I'm glad it's devastating. Because that means it means something and I haven't been wasting my time. But oh God it hurts, and I am tired of hurting. I have run out of words and tears, and yet there's more. So there must be more love.
Isn't March in like a lion, out like a lamb? Well I think the lion ate the lamb. Cause it roared right into April.
I'm glad it's devastating. Because that means it means something and I haven't been wasting my time. But oh God it hurts, and I am tired of hurting. I have run out of words and tears, and yet there's more. So there must be more love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
