I'm having a little bit of a theatrical (and therefore life) identity crisis this summer; after my final presentations for studio and my critique with the faculty, I found myself feeling more passionate and accomplished about my directing work than any acting I had done this year. I've always considered myself primarily an actress, and I came to PHTS with the intention of learning about all aspects of theatre, but with the goal of using that information to inform my acting abilities and approach. I also took a great interest in lighting design this past semester, and the longer I work in theatre, the more I seem to be taking a backstage approach to things. One of my acting teachers even told me I approach my acting like a director, thinking about the effect on the audience rather than on myself. My dear friend Colleen, who is a year ahead of me and encountered the opposite situation says I shouldn't worry too much, because the first year is very directing focused, but second year gives you a lot more acting opportunities. I guess in the meantime I guess I'm just thinking more about why I do theatre and what being a part of theatre means to me, from more than just the standpoint of an actress.
I also had a long conversation with Victoria on the way home from Con this weekend, and we spent a lot of time talking about our involvement and responsibilities and the oddities of being a part of two different faith (and other) communities during the year. I realized during the discussion that what I have very much missed while at school was being accountable to people, taking a leadership role in some formal capacity. I am a natural leader and as such acted as the organizer and leader of my studio group of 15 this year, but by 3/4 of the way through the year I was burnt out, because I was doing everything myself. It was hard to give it up and watch some things fall apart, but I was exhausted. Still I realize I function best when I have projects I'm working on, and communities of people with whom I'm trying to accomplish a common goal.
This year was quite a journey in trying to figure out my spirituality and my community in a new place. I visited a few UU churches, and Carrie and I seem to have found a home at 4th U on the upper west side. Since con we're both energized to really gain involvement in our new district and start campus ministry groups at our school. I've come to really appreciate just how energizing it is for me to be around UUs on some sort of regular basis, and I missed that this year. My involvement with the youth movement in my home district served a lot of fulfilling purposes in my life, and I need to find a way to establish that in New York.
On top of all this, I've been thinking about relationships. (Well really, when in the last 2 years have I not been thinking about relationships?) Today in particular I was thinking about the fact that the 2 year anniversary of what was my doomsday is coming up on Sunday. The time has kind of flown, really. And I think it's starting to take a back seat to some other things, at least on the outside. I know it still has some fundamental effects on how I interact with people, and I'm fighting that as much as possible, but there are still some trigger phrases that cause little freak outs on the inside, and I still miss him very much. But I'm trying to figure out who I am now, that is not who I was then. I'm thinking about the many significant relationships I've forged since then, and how they've evolved, disappeared, come back, faded, changed, and so on. There's a lot of people I never knew I'd know who play important roles in my life and in my daily thoughts, and some of them really don't know how much they mean to me without even talking to me. I feel like in the last few years I've become really internal and maybe I need to express outwardly more, but at the same time I have a contradictory fear of talking too much, which is something I used to always be guilty of and still have to combat on occasion.
Attached to all these thoughts about relationships (and this is on a basic non-sexual level) is trying to figure out what I think about love, because I think more than anything else, my understanding or definition of that concept has changed radically in the last 2 years. It seems to have become much more spiritual and at the same time more fleeting than in the past. I think I think about it in much more complex ways than I used to, and that makes it easier and harder and more painful and more exhilarating all at the same time. I'm a natural pessimist (one of my best friends has no shame in telling me) but I do try to believe in hope (it is my middle name, after all), and love, and the possibilities of peace and progress and the beauty of life.
That's all for now I guess. Believe it or not, I think this is the simplified version of what I'm thinking about this summer, and I'm reading and creating and growing and believing and doubting, laughing, loving, and living out loud.
[[Deepest love to the Fire Cat gang (Nic, Victoria, Meredith, Nat, and Carrie), and to those I wish were reading this, but with whom I have some things to work out first.]]
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