The Spirit Stirs

We have just crossed into the last day in February. I got back less than an hour ago from a new musical called The Hidden Sky, which of course I found out about because of Colleen. It questions the line between science and religion, the physical and faith. And it seemed to demonize religion in favor of science (or at least math), but at the same time science took on a religious feeling in the power of numbers to explain creation, while in fact numbers and equations are all just made up by people. I thought the whole concept was really interesting; the main character had a need to bridge the gap between the religion of the sun-god and her fascination with math that could answer her questions.

I was thinking about God as the sun, so God is manifested as fire, which happens to be an Islamic belief that we talked about in Re-Inventions of Love on Thursday. But the story goes that God had to first create the sun, to make light and dark. Because without light, there could be no darkness, there was only whatever there was before the sun, the big bang or whatever. So sure, God can be manifested in the sun; God/the Creator or any other name one may give to that force can be and I think is manifested in everything, and I don't just mean the physical, but also in feelings and energies.

Over the past few weeks (or maybe months or years, who can tell) I think I've developed the belief that love is the source of all things, with the exception, perhaps, of apathy. "The opposite of war isn't peace; it's creation," and the opposite of love isn't hate; it's apathy. So that aside, as there is an exception to every rule, I truly believe it's all because of love. Why do we become sad? Because we feel unloved, because we've lost someone we love, because we're fighting with someone we love.

I have found nothing to be more devastating than two people who love each other being unable to love each other.

Love has shaped and continues to shape everything I do. I've come to this city to nourish my love for theatre, for creation. I'm working on the shows that I am because of love for people in my life. When I'm angry at my mother, it's because I love her and feel like she doesn't understand that my love for theatre doesn't cancel out my love for family. When I get depressed, or mistrustful, or anxious about relationships, it's because of my love for Jack that has never ceased.

And here's the thing I've realized about that, which now confuses me to no end. I feel like I may never love anyone as much as I love(d) him. And while that initially started out as physical attraction on my part, it quickly moved beyond that to simply being the deepest, strongest, safest connection I can remember knowing with anyone. Other friends, including boyfriends, have come and gone, but none have left such an impact as he continues to do, without having the slightest inkling. I love everyone in my life; I really do. But will I always have this love that seems doomed to fail lingering over my shoulder? In my life now, I love Colleen more than anyone I know. I trust her completely and would do anything for her, and while the concept of that scares me intellectually a little, in practice I'm not scared about it at all. I will not even think about the possibility of losing her in my life. But with Joel, by the very nature of it being a romantic relationship, and those never seem to last, I wonder what the impact will be if it ends. (Which I do not want. We've been together four and a half months, and I want our relationship to keep moving forward.) And I came to this disgusting realization that I don't think it would hurt as much as losing Jack has, because I think (or perhaps desperately hope) that nothing can be more painful than that.

So what am I doing? How do I function if Jack will never go away nor come back? How do you keep loving if your love has left? Perhaps that's not the question. My love has not left. I am fiercely in love with so many people. But I have to think about Hedwig, who will do absolutely anything to find her other half, and then anything to regain it once lost. And I can't help but wonder if, since he won't leave me, if Jack is my other half, and if that is the case, what I do with information. Hedwig is utterly terrible to anyone who isn't her other half once she begins the journey to regain him. I do not want to be that person. I want to be enveloped in love and be a light that shines love out into the world. I have no interest in retreating back to scared and lonely. So all I can do is love harder than before.