12:01, or Whatever.

My best friend's dad died yesterday. Well, at least, the father of the person  I've been calling my best friend for the last four years died yesterday. He hasn't really talked to me since I left for college. I keep trying to talk to him, but I don't really get a response. In early December his dad got sick. I told him I was there for him, whatever he needed. I've sent him so many messages telling him I love him and I miss him and I want to see him while I'm home.

And I do want to be there for him, right now especially, more than anything else in the world. But he keeps not talking to me and I don't know what to do. It's like all my friends are floating away; I don't belong anywhere and I don't know what to do. I don't know who I can talk to since no one will talk to me. I miss my best friends, both this one, the two from college, and the one I lost long ago, who I should just forget, but can't.

I don't think I really believe a new year is a new beginning. I believe when Obama takes office that will be a new beginning. I believe starting college was sort of a new beginning. But the change from 11:59pm on December 31st to 12:00am on January 1 makes no difference. It's just another minute passing, in an infinitely long line of minutes. I'm tired of being sad, and lonely, and depressed, even when I'm sort of happy. My happiness is always fleeting.

I love my best friend, but I don't know how to be there for him because he's shutting me out.

A Brief Retrospective

There have been three instances since June 7, 2007 when I have been truly happy. Just three, in the last year and a half.

1. The beginning of my relationship with Mattie, circa April 2008.

2. My arrival and subsequent first week at NYU, circa late August 2008.

3. The RENT Finale B party at the Life Cafe, September 5, 2008.

What the hell am I doing with my life? What is going to show up and make me happy, or how am I going to make myself happy? Because this isn't working. Yes, I love being here, and I have some great friends, but on a general basis, I am not happy. I miss him, and it seeps into every ounce of my being. It's subconscious and out of my control. I keep trying to let it go, and letting it go just means I can't control it. I don't know what to do.

Why am I so fucking lonely? Dammit.

A Few Days Old Reflection

This is like a week old:

I'm starting to forget the good memories. I can't remember all the good things about Jack and all the best times of my life that we had together. They're falling away and I don't know how to save them. Mostly what I remember now is all the times I have spent crying when I think about him, and the pain in my chest, like I have right now, like I'm suffocating and I can't breathe and my heart's not working. I want my best friend back. I want those memories back and I want all this past year of pain to go away and be forgotten. I don't want to remember all the horrible things I'f thought about him. I'm reaching the point where I would give up the good memories just to forget it all It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

There are four times I really still remember. After closing night of Annie Get Your Gun, Jack came over, and we just sat downstairs on the couch, for hours. We just sat there. He had his arm around me, and he kept saying, "You're so good. You're so good." And I remember being so sad because I didn't know when I was going to see him again, and I'd been seeing him almost every day all summer, and he was holding my heart in his hands, but it was safe there. I didn't want anything else but him, to keep sitting there with me. And he didn't want to leave. And finally, around two in the morning, we went up to the kitchen and I walked him out to the car, and we hugged for a really long time and then I finally let go, walked back across the street, and from the kitchen door I watched his car drive away until it was over the hill and I couldn't see it anymore.

Sometime around Christmas (of 06), we were walking in the city, and we were going to meet my mom, and Jack held my hand and wouldn't let me go because he didn't want us to get separated in the extra-crowded streets.

When we started our acting exercises in the winter, there was a time when we were creating a picture in our minds, together. We made a beach scene, with a log washed up on shore,  and a dog sniffing it, and a family under a big umbrella, sitting on striped towels. And we put a big gold frame around it. It was our painting, and we both saw it and no one else could. And the whole time, we just spoke quietly, and pointed at places on our painting where we were adding things, and he was simply standing next to me, and we were just us.

He tried to donate blood, early one morning after he had spent the night. He went with my mom; I had donated too recently to go. They didn't let him because he's gay. We went to church that morning, and he slipped his hand into mine, and kept it there for the length of the service. I got to be his support, and he let himself need me.

Oh and that day we had his mom and step-dad over, his mom said she hoped we'd be friends for a long time.

--7.28.08 5:04 pm

New Light is Kinda Dark

I feel like a spectator, watching my own life. I'm in my head and my body is doing something else. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion and I can't quite see where I'm going. I'm letting go of the past, so I don't know what I'm walking on as I head for the future. And I don't have anyone's hand to hold anymore. The words on the page are blurring; there are no more directions. I know it's not me against the world, but it feels that way. I don't know what I've still got.

Today I released something I really wanted. I wanted a relationship where I felt like I wasn't afraid of losing the other person, and I got that. And today I let it go. I had to keep telling myself I wasn't the bad guy. I was being honest instead of dragging it out. Even now I'm still trying to convince myself though. But at least I didn't stay in that relationship to boost my ego while turning into someone I didn't want to be - someone unfaithful and untrustworthy. I hurt someone I love, but we are still friends, and things will get better, and I, for once, did what should be done instead of what I wanted to do. 

Now I'm just not sure wher to go from here. I don't know what this place is. Wherever I am, it's a new place, and no one else is here.

In the Ballroom with the Candlestick

No one reads this anyway. But I'm going to be vague regardless. Or irregardless. Why do those two words mean exactly the same thing? What's the point of adding a prefix if it doesn't change the meaning of the word? Rational and irrational certainly mean two different things.

I'm stalling.

All of the sudden it feels like... I don't know. I keep having flashbacks to my relationship with Jack. And when things start to go too well, I become afraid that they will end as badly. So I like him so much and I'm trying to get myself not to. He's being so good. Better than I deserve and like last time I am scared of caring. I am worried because I think about it so much. I fear what I want because I cannot have it. I wrecked that opportunity. But the desire will drive me mad.

I feel like I can't see what he looks like anymore. He's just words coming up on the screen. He has no voice or body. Yet I imagine us in beautiful places. I imagine calm, peace, serenity and happiness. I think of him and know that I would feel safe in his arms. All these things it feels like I will never have as I want. And I feel like I can't tell him because I broke that right. Broke it at the first moment and can't get it back. I loved that moment. I loved all of them. But I traded those immediate ones for the potential for any later. 

That's all I'm going to say about that. I'm so overwhelmed with relationship crap and my own inner self that I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself for a while. A sincere thanks to the people who deserve thanks though. I'm a bit fucked up, but I still love you.

I Had to Turn Around

Now I'm doing it right from the start. I'm placing cracks in the foundations of relationships before they even begin, so they can fall down around my ears with a little less work later. I feel like such a failure. Why can't I create my relationships the way I want them? And now I am planting seeds of doubt in the minds of others. I've become the disease I loathe so much. When did that happen, and why?

I could have minded my own business and kept my mouth shut. I could have kept my distance. But instead i turned around and we were face to face. I couldn't just be happy with the connection I had to look him in the eyes. And I continued without a word of caution.

I could have moved on and gotten over it. But it took hold in me and I let it stay there, and I turned around again. More roots and less soil but I wasn't thinking about what lay beneath. It was just the moment and I was just in the moment and I didn't want to be anywhere else for once in my life. And I stayed right there. And when I turned back around, he didn't go anywhere.

I could have mentioned it before. I could have pulled those roots before they were there. Planted them somewhere else. Somewhere safer. Somewhere that wouldn't cause such a problem. But I am my own problem. 

I keep turing around, looking at him, and looking at him. And they stand there, and I feel like I am falling away, because I planted those roots in such little soil that the wind just picked me up. And I am so far gone, while they are free. Free, except for that stupid seed I planted, to ruin them like myself. 

Now I spread the distrust. I am my own destruction. My own worst enemy. They are too good for this. This is not what they deserve. I didn't know how things would go. I didn't intend to become a liar and a deceiver. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I keep breaking what I say matters most to me and I don't know why or how to stop it.