When the Cloudy Sky is Red and Starless

I feel like I might vomit. Like I might just throw up all my organs and have nothing inside my skin but bones.

I thought what we had was real. I thought it was true, too good to be true but true. I thought I was actually living in a fairy tale. We made me believe in all sorts of things I had always wanted to believe in but never thought could be real.

I had faith.

I don't know how to do the next three weeks. I don't know how to do tomorrow. I don't know how to rethink the rest of the semester. I don't know how to revert to September.

I don't want to revert to September.

I don't want to have to walk around a school full of people I love and have them know he doesn't love me. For them to know that I, who keep saying I care more about love than anything, who thought she finally had what she wanted, had it all torn away from her, and that that tearing away tore her to pieces.

And it's not even like I can fix it. It's not like I did something wrong, it's just who I am that he doesn't love anymore. There's no redoing it, or apologizing. There's just living in the wake of failure, standing in a just-bombed crater that is somewhere in what's left of my heart.

And I'm in a fucking class about love! And I'm going to have to keep talking about love for another month, and just the thought of it makes me want to hide my face as I can feel tears coming. This was supposed to be the semester of love. Of loving, of learning in my love, of giving love and being abundant in love.

If you fell out of love with me a while ago... Then I can't believe Thursday happened. And I feel so used. And that's why I'm ashamed. And I feel lied to, and betrayed. Right now I am made for only you. Once that's changed, it can't be undone. I thought you were special. I thought we were special. I don't know what to do with my body right now.

And it wasn't even face to face.

And he's fucking sleeping right now.