Video Will

We did this thing in acting class this week where we had to create a monologue-eqsue piece in which we operated under the idea that we would be dying soon and were therefore stating our last will. I guess a few people actually bequeathed stuff, but mostly we all just sat in front of our class of a dozen people and spoke to the most important people in our lives as if they were there, and tried to tell them anything we felt we still needed to say. When I got up to perform my piece, I had in my hand the two pages of single-spaced text I had written to the most important people in my life. But I sat down and said, "I wrote this all out because I'm a really emotional person but then I like to intellectualize my emotions. And now I don't really want to say what I wrote." So I used what I had written from my memory, but didn't look at the paper at all. This is what I wrote, but only sort of what I said:

I’m not sure where to start. People are so much more important to me than things; I don’t feel like I have much I can leave behind except memories and joy and love. But maybe that’s plenty. Those of you who know me well probably know how exhausted I have become. I don’t regret this at all. I’m exhausted because I care, and because I’ve been so emotionally invested in everything I’m doing. I think I once put on facebook that anyone who’s willing to continue being a Playwrights student must enjoy being in an abusive relationship with theatre school. Well, I’ve enjoyed this abusive relationship, but that combined with what little life I have outside this building has taken everything I have to offer. I don’t want to die, but my time has been well lived and will soon be coming to a close. I can feel it.

I’m only twenty years old. The material possessions I’ve accumulated don’t matter much to anyone, including me. All I can really leave you with are words and a few sentimental objects that may or may not matter much outside my own hands. So where to actually start.

Sam. You’re the only little brother I’ve got. My only sibling, and it’s just us – no cousins to grow up with. I love you more than I think either of us have ever talked about or acknowledged. I’m glad we’ve never really fought, even though we’re such different people. I’m older; I’m supposed to do things first. So I’ve come to college before you, and my advice to you is do what you want. Figure out what you want, and then do it. Mom hated that I went to NYU. I think she still does, a little, even if she won’t admit it, but it’s my life and this is what I had to do to be happy. You’ve got to be in charge of your happiness. I love you.

Mom and dad, I literally wouldn’t be anywhere without you both. You are what shaped the first 18 years of my life, and gave me the freedom to explore beyond your arms. I’m not sure there are any words to say anything that could matter at this point, and the only wisdom I can impart is to remember to wear long pants at the Vatican and don’t drop cell phones in the toilet in Japan. And do what you love, as you always tried to let me do. Take loving care of my baby blankets; I think I treasured them as much as you treasured me. Thank you. I love you.

Mattie, it was with you that I felt I first failed at love. But I learned so much from you and our relationship, and that has helped me to grow enormously as a person. You have remained one of my closest friends throughout all our troubles, and for that I am eternally grateful. All I can leave you with is our memories of youth conferences, bringing the country boy to the city and the city girl to the country, and our weekly Monday night calls. For you always are many many poems, and I also leave you my DYSC hoodie, in hoping it will keep you connected when you feel alone, and warm when you are cold. I love you.

Scott and Michael, I have always believed in having friends who are older than myself, and most of my friends have been outside my own age group. I have been so lucky to have the wisdom and support of each of you in my life. I am incredibly grateful for the rare bits of time we get to spend together. I wish you both the greatest successes in life. Keep following your dreams. You know me better than most people. I love you both so much.

Meredith, Carrie, Victoria, Sean, Nat, and Nic. You guys are all different from any of my other friends, and the closest thing I ever had to a clique in high school (or shortly after). I’ve had more fun times with you guys in 48 hour weekends than in months of time without you. I know as you all go on your journeys you will succeed in changing the world. I couldn’t be prouder to be your friend. I leave you all with memories of visiting me in New York, and for Carrie, Meredith and Victoria, each a chalice that you once gave me. How would I have made it through high school without you guys? I love you.

Jack, you will probably never see this video, since you cut yourself out of my life almost three years ago now. But I hope somehow this message will reach you. I have always loved you; you were one of the best friends I ever had and despite all the issues that followed your exit from my life, I am so grateful for all that you taught me and all the fun times we had. I’m finally giving you back all the stuff you left at my house – there’s some books, and I think a couple DVDs. I hope you find what you’re looking for in life. I love you.

To all of my friends and teachers at Playwrights, there are, I think, no words for how you all have influenced the last two years of my life. You have all opened me up to a new world, a new way of living and making art, and you challenge me every day to push myself farther and learn as much as I can, and to create innovative art that I really care about. These last two years have been the most difficult and wonderful of my short life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Blue group, you have seen me at my most vulnerable, my most tired, my most drunken, and also at my happiest and my best. To all of you that I have met and known and loved here, thank you so much for all you have given me and taught me and for making the last two years so incredible. I truly love you all.

Joel, what I would say to you at this point changes on an hourly basis. I have shared more with you than anyone else in my life, ever. I have nothing more to offer you beyond everything I already have. I gave you my love, body and soul, and loved you more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. I hope one day you understand that. It is life’s greatest gift.

Colleen, we could never have had enough time. You are the best friend I have ever had. You give me strength when I have none, hope when I have little, and more love than anyone I know. I don’t know how I would have survived this year without you. As I have told you many times before, I’m the luckiest person in the world to have you for a best friend. I know you’ll do amazing things in the world. I can’t wait. I love you more than words can express.

That’s all.