Love is My Gift

Two simultaneously true thoughts, one from Monday and one from today:

As I was walking home last night in the middle of the night, I was trying to articulate how I was feeling. I was composing a poem in my head, and I couldn't find words for how I felt emotionally and internally. I no longer have language for how awful and conflicted and complicated I feel. I don't think I've ever felt this bad this consistently for this long. I've been so emotionally invested in the last two weeks that I am just exhausted. I feel like I'm going to run out of emotion. I haven't slept through the night in two weeks. I'm so tired, exhausted, emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm going to burn out so soon and die awfully young, but there is so much I want to do.

I am the person who decides my life. I don't have to count on you. I can love you without liking you; I will always love you but I have no more interest in being your partner. And now, without you, I get to give this love that I have to many people. It will not be random; it will not be meaningless. It will be plentiful and it will matter. And I will continue to love with my whole heart, and sometimes people will love me too. You can't take my love away from me. That is my gift.

Based on those two thoughts and the last two days, I have confirmed in my mind that it is much easier to be angry than to be sad, and also much easier to get over being angry than being sad. I'm now incredibly confused about how I feel, but I am not constantly clouded by sadness, I think. So let life roll on.