Resolute

I continue to wake up hideously early for no reason other than that my mind is very nervous about something being wrong and needing to fix it. Yet when I wake up, I remember what that is and that there is currently nothing to be done. Still I cannot go back to sleep. I woke up yesterday at 6:30 in the morning on an incredibly rare day when I had nowhere I needed to be until 1:00 in the afternoon. This morning I woke up around 7 even though I went to bed at 2. I wish that this could at least stop affecting my sleep patterns so I could get a decent amount of rest and not be so constantly tired during the day. I would like to be able to move on, just because I have so little hope for getting back what I want more than anything in the world. This is the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. It pains me every time I see him.

Part of what I think keeps me from moving on is not wanting to have to start over and build a new history with a new person. To tell someone else all my stories and problems and hopes and desires. Yet I hate being alone; I have never felt this lonely; and I know Joel wants nothing to do with me. I wish I could figure out how to be friends with him, but emotionally right now I can't take that. Or at least a few weeks ago I tried, and failed. I wish he could solve this problem for me.

I also would like to stop complaining about it all. I had a lovely day yesterday, in spite of my early waking. I finally put away the laundry I did a week ago, I walked to the dog run at Madison Square Park and did some homework while I watched the dogs play. I saw some very enjoyable Playwrights shows. I went to MoMA with a friend and saw two incredibly inspiring exhibits: Marina Abromovic's "The Artist is Present" and the packed-to-the-gills Tim Burton exhibit, which included a scale model of Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands, the knives from Sweeney, an angora sweater from Ed Wood, and a note to Johnny from Tim about a line addition in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I then wandered around midtown a bit, went and saw some more Playwrights shows, struck a show in an hour, and spent several hours at Jason's celebrating his birthday with a bunch of Playwrights friends.

Today is a rainy, gray, day, but I'm going to church! And I'm teaching Sunday school (read: getting paid to play with four-year-olds for an hour, double win) with Brianna, and then she and I are going to yoga and then out to lunch or frozen yogurt. Later I have rehearsal and a class thing and a meeting, but it will still be another beautiful day. I will squash this sadness with happiness and love, dammit.