I Can Hear Him

Almost made it through the day without crying. Failed about half an hour ago. I may be, for the most part, managing my emotions better, but I'm not any less sad than I was twelve days ago. I fall asleep sad and wake up sad before I can even remember what I'm sad about. Even when I'm laughing I'm still conscious that I'm sad. And I'm trying to still love the suffering, but I'm tired of being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I keep having hope that things will change, and the longer they don't, the sadder I get. I get knots in my stomach all the time. I feel sick, and not because of my cold. Nauseous sick. And I don't know what to do about it. I keep thinking that maybe I can move on, but anytime I actually think about it, I realize I don't want to. I just don't want to love somebody else. I still miss him so much. And things are starting to come up that I thought we'd be doing together, and we're not. And it's weird, and it sucks. I was so excited that we were going to see a taping of the Daily Show together, because he loves Jon Stewart more than most things in life, but now I'll be going without him, and no matter how much fun I have, I'll be painfully aware that he was supposed to be there.

He was supposed to be there.